tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88706072011-06-08T02:40:09.445-04:00"News 'n Views"Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comBlogger2451100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1143641935750460752006-03-29T09:17:00.000-05:002006-06-12T08:02:54.726-04:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Top secret documents leaked to the press today show that the President is far more out of touch with the pulse of global and domestic affairs than even his most ardent of critics could have imagined.The stunning set of documents contain meeting notes and photos of the president at work in the Oval Office, as well as in several unidentified "situation rooms" surrounded by

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1143641847798631452006-03-29T09:15:00.000-05:002006-06-12T08:04:03.660-04:00

Members of the majority leadership in the Senate today have drafted new legislation that would make it illegal for an American citizen to fly any flag but Old Glory in public.The bill, which has yet to be introduced formally to the Senate or the House of Representatives, would also call for the imediate arrest and deportation of any U.S. citizen found carrying -- either in plain sight or hidden -

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1143641718228042142006-03-29T09:11:00.000-05:002006-06-12T08:03:30.646-04:00

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN -- Today the Supreme Being spontaneously granted U.S. citizenship to the 500,000 immigrants and illegal aliens who marched on Los Angeles to protest a Congressional Bill that would criminalize crossing the border illegally."My Latin American children have shown that it takes very little trampling of their basic rights to rise up and protest. Therefore I will grant them this one

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1142945343260767912006-03-21T07:41:00.001-05:002006-03-21T07:56:59.790-05:00

LOS ANGELES, CA - Throngs of Scientologists rioted in Los Angeles Sunday, angry over what they believe to be blasphemous depictions of Tom Cruise in a South Park cartoon. The Scientologists accused South Park of further poisoning Thetan-infected youth with their anti-social message, as well as threatening ticket sales for "Mission Impossible III".Actor John Travolta inflamed the angry mob of

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1142198162683118382006-03-12T16:07:00.000-05:002006-03-12T16:38:34.406-05:00

WASHINGTON - The Justice Departmnt charged a Gaithersburg cashier with espionage on Friday for leaking the top secret activities of a White House aide at a Target Superstore. Target cashier Bessie Frederickson was a little too alert when she leaked details of a secret White House operation, said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales in a press briefing on Friday. Top White House aide Claude Allen

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1141739420909731682006-03-07T08:33:00.003-05:002006-03-12T16:25:10.326-05:00

HOLLYWOOD - Sunday night's Oscars ceremony caused a backlash among some critics and fans who saw a Best Picture Oscar for the film "Brokeback Mountain" as a triumph for gay people.  Although "Brokeback Mountain" was a hit with critics and audiences, the last gay cowboy movie to win a Best Picture Oscar was not followed by any sweeping gay rights legislation.A Benquirer poll revealed that 92% of

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1140240182688003222006-02-18T00:10:00.000-05:002006-02-21T01:18:19.330-05:00

DAYTONA BEACH,  FL - As preparations are being made for the Daytona 500 stockcar race on Sunday,  business analysts say small companies are vying for position to profit on a wave of interest in the most popular car racing game since Pole Position.EXLR8 Energy Bars is one such company,  and one of many products being endorsed by Nascar star Dale Earnhardt Jr.   Rather than just being overshadowed

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1140224143590075122006-02-17T19:51:00.000-05:002006-02-17T19:56:27.353-05:00

BOSTON – The conservative Christian wing was dealt a heavy blow today in their quest to constitutionally ban gay marriage when it was learned that homosexuals had discovered the secret handshake necessary for a marriage to become recognized in the eyes of the church.Unbeknownst to the Christian right, a clandestine group of homosexual men and women had been secretly meeting in and around Boston

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1140198874393220112006-02-17T12:50:00.000-05:002006-02-18T18:05:42.020-05:00

WASHINGTON - President Bush issued an Executive Order yesterday declaring that the "United States of America" would be renamed the "United Emirates of America".   The name change's effect could be heard immediately at the Winter Olympics in Turino today where American snowboarding spectators could be heard chanting,  "UEA..  UEA..  UEA.."Coupled with the name change,  came the ceding of control

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1140107632360571722006-02-16T11:29:00.000-05:002006-02-18T07:52:39.796-05:00

CORPUS CHRISTI,  TX - This week, a covey of quail gave The Benquirer a different take on how events transpired last Saturday night,  when Vice President Dick Cheney shot Austin lawyer Harry Whittington.  The small group of birds with their wings clipped were found walking around aimlessly,  close to the scene of the murder of their family members, and granted an exclusive interview with the

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1139782917529655492006-02-12T17:20:00.000-05:002006-02-18T00:40:04.813-05:00

WASHINGTON – Thousands of satire writers from across the U.S. spontaneously dropped dead today following a hunting accident involving Vice President Dick Cheney.While no medical reason has been given by experts, several anonymous sources from within the low brow guild of surviving satirical columnists said they believe the event provided too many simultaneous story ideas in far too short a period

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1139582433607035032006-02-10T09:32:00.000-05:002006-02-17T12:59:36.703-05:00

LOS ANGELES - A 2002 Al Qaeda plot was stopped thanks to superior customer service, it was revealed this week.   President Bush neglected to reveal the secret plot anywhere in his 732 speeches on the War On Terror during the past 4 years.  The plot was so secret that Los Angeles Mayor Villaraigosa first heard about it on TV this week.Although members of the terrorist organization intended to

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1138808866297784012006-02-01T10:43:00.000-05:002006-02-01T16:32:01.160-05:00

MOUNT OLYMPUS – The inhabitants of this mythological mountain community were up in arms today following a declaration of war made by President George W. Bush in his State of the Union Address on Tuesday.During a passage on the outright banning of human cloning, the president added a scathing caveat that the United States would not stand for the creation of "human-animal hybrids."The effects of

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1138820882690482302006-02-01T10:33:00.000-05:002006-02-01T21:14:51.440-05:00

WASHINGTON - Just prior to President Bush's annual State of the Union address Tuesday night,  a volatile t-shirt was found by Secret Service agents while it was hiding underneath anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan's sweater. "We apprehended the suspected shirt as soon as we discovered it,"  said one agent,   "This shirt was obviously threatening the President.  First it mentioned death.  Then it

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1138825870084282682006-02-01T09:01:00.000-05:002006-02-01T20:47:56.953-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Tuesday night was political sweeps night as President Bush's State of the Union speech aired on all the major networks,  and preempted popular TV shows.   The Democratic Party,  desperate for some airtime,  hastily threw together an infomercial hosted by Virginia Governor Tim Kaine and a quart of hair gel.Governor Kaine is the new face of the Democratic party's attempts to sway

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1138801380128943922006-02-01T08:39:00.000-05:002006-02-01T21:22:14.860-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Upon the urging of President Bush and the U.S. Congress, the United States of America has checked itself into an unnamed rehabilitation clinic for unspecified reasons.However, sources close to the beleaguered world superpower who wished to remain anonymous have said that America checked into the Betty Ford Lincoln Mercury Clinic on Tuesday evening following some scathing

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1138450365432967722006-01-28T07:09:00.000-05:002006-02-01T14:49:52.716-05:00

CHICAGO,  IL - James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieses,  told talk show host Oprah Winfrey Thursday that the only fraud concerning his book was the claim that it is a story of redemption. Frey then told Winfrey he had passed out on his flight to the Oprah studio set in Chicago and paramedics came to the airport after he was found in his seat,  bleeding after stabbing his face with a syringe

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1138320740719219802006-01-26T19:06:00.000-05:002006-01-27T17:53:43.120-05:00

4/1/2003-  President Bush signs autographs for Jack Abramoff and other adoring fansWASHINGTON - President Bush warned Americans today of the random chance that he might've had his picture taken with disgraced GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff. It represented a preemptive strike in the constantly evolving P.R. battle the White House is waging, after Cheney noted that the US had taken the 'visual' out

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1138126662116523732006-01-24T13:14:00.000-05:002006-01-27T16:19:52.350-05:00

CHARLOTTE, NC - Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden recently helped another religious fundamentalist, Tammy Faye, improve her book sales when he recommended her obscure 2003 cosmetics guide, Rouge State, in his latest audio recording. The glossy full-color guide to powder makeup color and application was previously only well-known in the transvestite and transgender community, where many

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1138049616342377652006-01-23T15:32:00.000-05:002006-01-23T16:50:48.943-05:00

SECRET LAIR, PAKISTAN BORDER - Last week Al Qaeda's No. 2 man Iman Al Zawahiri released an audio tape of poetry intended to help the morale of jihadists everywhere. While many are not surprised that the terrorist leader has poetic musings, the poetry has shocked even members of his intended audience.The tape begins with several simple rhymes that can easily be chanted. One of the most noteworthy

Matt Steinsieknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1137849511964754352006-01-21T08:15:00.000-05:002006-01-21T16:13:39.646-05:00

WASHINGTON - Attempting to put a positive spin on the latest audiotape from Al-Quada mastermind Osama bin Laden,  Vice President Dick Cheney said Friday that although bin Laden is still alive, the War On Terror has effectively removed his technological camcording capabilities."Bin Laden doesn't have the access to modern technology to make his threatening messages," said Cheney in a FOX News

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1137785462359113832006-01-20T14:28:00.000-05:002006-01-22T13:35:25.086-05:00

DETROIT, MI - Celebrated author Marshall "Eminem" Mathers has come under fire from critics who say he fabricated his bestselling memoir, "A Million Little Pills". While searching for a mugshot of Eminem last week, "The Smoking Gun" website discovered that Eminem had been less than candid in his tell-all memoir of his criminal past. Not only did Eminem never ingest a million Vicodin, according

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1137697010416519532006-01-19T13:54:00.000-05:002006-01-20T16:58:02.116-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The CIA is reporting today that the new ominous audio tape purportedly recorded by al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden is actually nothing more than a tardy audition tape for FOX's runaway talent show hit American Idol.A CIA spokesman who had been briefed on the authenticity of the tape said in a press conference today that earlier reports of threats against the U.S. had been

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1137590675030486112006-01-18T08:17:00.000-05:002006-01-20T16:56:53.586-05:00

NEW ORLEANS, LA - New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin apologized today for pledging that the hurricane-ravaged city would be rebuilt as a "chocolate city" in his Martin Luther King Day speech. "I was trying to project the idea that New Orleans would remain a majority-black city," said Nagin, "But there is room here in New Orleans for all flavors: chocolate, vanilla, peanut butter and caramel, with

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1137091705175868032006-01-12T13:36:00.000-05:002006-01-12T16:32:02.623-05:00

"Uh oh Dad, you got a boo-boo on your face"LOS ANGELES - On Sunday, Governor Schwarzenegger and his son John were taken out by a Volvo T-1000, sent from the future to terminate John's political future. In the year 2029, a multi-national corporation called "Scan-Net", owned and operated by machines and Republican operatives, tracks all human behavior. Thoughts, feelings and actions are monitored

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1136653099627632422006-01-07T11:15:00.000-05:002006-01-07T14:45:37.700-05:00

Dover stroke victims discuss the theory ofIntelligent Design in front of Dover Area HospitalDOVER,  PA - Hospitals and hospices became filled to capacity over the weekend,  as everyone in the town of Dover suffered a massive stroke.  Thousands of Dover residents,  young and old, were reportedly in various states of paralysis and consciousness,  while many were heard muttering that they were

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1136563957008713712006-01-06T11:08:00.000-05:002006-01-06T12:49:26.806-05:00

WASHINGON, D.C – Republican leadership in both the House and Senate was at a difficult crossroads today as no fewer than two coma cases had presented themselves as potentially polarizing political issues.In what was only a sheer coincidence, both a West Virginia miner and the prime minister of Israel had found themselves in medically-induced comas.Sen. Bill Frist, the majority leader in the

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1136476276657405752006-01-05T10:44:00.000-05:002006-01-06T12:47:59.696-05:00

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. – In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, actress and destined for bargain bin pop singer Lindsay Lohan said she has accepted her role as a C-list star.“Hiding my coke habit and eating disorders is such an A-list celebrity thing to do,” Lohan said between drags of her signature unfiltered Pall Malls. “I’ve accepted that my life will be more normal if I am simply more open

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1136397715786556542006-01-04T12:59:00.000-05:002006-01-05T22:25:10.530-05:00

Bugsy in the Vegas era (L), and yesterday (R)WASHINGTON - Infamous gangster Jack "Bugsy" Abramoff pleaded guilty to several charges yesterday, under the agreement that he would inform on members of Congress whom he bribed, especially the Democrats.Born in Atlantic City, Bugsy was later credited for turning the other American gambling city, Las Vegas, into a casino mecca. However, the vicious

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1136205446131779302006-01-02T07:34:00.000-05:002006-01-05T09:57:39.360-05:00

WASHINGTON  - The Justice Department has opened up an investigation into the White House spying leaker's identity,  which is often confused with the time the White House leaked a spy's identity. On Friday,  Attorney General Alberto Gonzales vowed that the Justice Department would "leave no stone unturned" in its investigation of who made the President look bad.Although the White House openly

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1136001465777258532005-12-30T22:30:00.000-05:002005-12-31T09:54:45.966-05:00

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Reports of the torture of prisoners at the hands of Iraqi security forces have been circulating for months. There are many concerns that Shiite militias and Kurdish paramilitary forces are swelling the newly-formed police and security forces, which have become a haven for human rights abuses. The Pentagon has a simple explanation."We have introduced new recruits to basic law

Matt Steinsieknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1135963977900964482005-12-30T12:19:00.000-05:002005-12-30T12:40:10.750-05:00

A special sheet of NSA LSDFORT MEADE,  MD - The 1998 film "Enemy Of The State" starring Will Smith was cited by the White House as the inspiration for its domestic spying program.In the film,  a ragtag group of rogue NSA agents in cahoots with a Senator,  harrass and spy on a civilian in order to preserve America's freedoms and fight the War On Terror.Today NSA Spokesman Don Webber confirmed the

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1135353054786482482005-12-23T10:46:00.000-05:002005-12-24T11:19:36.990-05:00

WASHINGTON - The Bush Administration defended its domestic spying program yesterday,  citing the claims of surveillance without any Warrant as "unfounded".A special kind of Warrantfor a special kind of President In a press conference today,  White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan defended big hair metal as a proper tool in the War On Terror,  in response to critics who said the White House

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1135284505946671652005-12-22T15:39:00.000-05:002005-12-22T16:26:09.990-05:00

Sure, the camera adds ten pounds,but come on. Go to the gym already.   YOUR HOUSE, U.S.A. -- Experts, using the Hubble space telescope, have discovered a new set of rings and several new moons circling Uranus.Doctors familiar with this field suggest strongly that you go to see a proctologist or your family doctor immediately, as this is certainly not a laughing matter.Note: This has been brought

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1135187486689874372005-12-21T12:38:00.000-05:002005-12-21T17:51:26.850-05:00

WASHINGTON - Santa Claus,  Christmas legend and CEO of Claus Industries,  was instrumental in a political lobbying effort culminating today with a new law which will allow oil companies to explore and drill around Santa's icy neighborhood at the North Pole.Claus Industries had been suffering in recent years,  partly due to the multitude of imitation Santas who have fooled many Americans into

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1135182801418364542005-12-21T11:06:00.000-05:002005-12-21T13:37:13.400-05:00

WASHINGTON - The Benquirer has learned today that an elite cadre of commando canines has been deployed by the White House and the National Security Agency (NSA) to assist Santa Claus in his recently reported efforts to spy on Americans throughout the United States.The canines, whose breed is known simply as 'whippet,' have been outfitted in disguises that complement the commando Santa Claus

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1135011999496318842005-12-19T11:51:00.000-05:002005-12-20T09:21:05.636-05:00

He knows when you are sleepingHe knows if you're awake   WASHINGTON - In a radio address this weekend,  President Bush defended a secret program that authorized Santa Claus and the NSA  (NorthPole Surveillance Agency) to spy on Americans and enter their homes without a warrant.On Friday,  The New York Times exposed the White House's illegal surveillance program that targets America's bad boys

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1134671750515734772005-12-15T13:29:00.000-05:002005-12-16T11:24:05.713-05:00

WASHINGTON - Exactly two weeks after being summoned for jury duty in Texas,  President Bush has already fulfilled his civic duty - from an undisclosed remote location, in an underground FOX News bunker. Bush gave fellow Texas Republican Tom DeLay the verdict of not guilty,  clearing him of all charges of money laundering,  two weeks before DeLay's trial is scheduled to commence.   Tom DeLay's

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1134660501043758642005-12-15T10:24:00.000-05:002005-12-15T13:47:00.673-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Benquirer has learned today that the Bush Administration, in tandem with the FOX News Network and the U.S. military, has drafted a small force of guinea pigs to fight in the undeclared War on Christmas.The small fur-covered cousins of the common house rat have been outfitted in all manner of Christmas-themed uniforms, including the miniature Santa Claus prototype pictured

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1134555476421736502005-12-14T08:14:00.000-05:002005-12-14T09:25:43.313-05:00

MADEIRA, OH - Jennifer and Dan Giroux just noticed this year that Christmas has become commercialized.  The owners of The Catholic Shop are selling bracelets that read "Just Say Merry Christmas", in protest.Many years ago, the commercialization of the holiday season (that includes Thanksgiving, Yuletide, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and New Year's) led retailers to save time and money by saying "

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1134406939740090492005-12-12T11:57:00.000-05:002005-12-12T22:00:17.286-05:00

ORVILLE, OH - The holiday season is the biggest time of the year for Crisco,  the vegetable shortening manufactured by J.M. Smuckers and sold to housewives and househusbands everywhere.   Crisco is commonly used in Thanksgiving pies,  Christmas cookies,  Hannukah latkes,  and even some New Year's blackeyed pea dishes. This week,  cable cooking pundits and bakers associations have started

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1134228543307370452005-12-10T10:09:00.000-05:002005-12-10T12:42:06.196-05:00

MIAMI,  FL - Miami's Aventura shopping mall has come under fire from the Christian Right,  including the vocal American Family Association,  for its blatant disregard of Christians in its annual Christmas display.For one,  the traditional "Christmas train", which first transported the three wise men to visit Jesus in Bethlehem, has been renamed a "Holiday train".Don Wildmon,  chairman of the

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133982209934781792005-12-07T13:42:00.000-05:002005-12-12T12:15:40.196-05:00

CAPE GIRARDEAU,  MO - Members of the Cape Girardeau Shooting Club are organizing a boycott of retail giant Target for its use of the overly-broad word "Target" in its advertising campaigns."When some ad tells me to go to Target,  my question is 'what kind of target?'",  said Kurt Vanderholdt,  "You got your steel plate targets, your moving targets,  pop-up targets,  and your paper targets like

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133974276935709412005-12-07T11:47:00.000-05:002005-12-07T13:42:08.146-05:00

The above suspect was witnessedviolating noise ordinancesaround the DC beltwayWASHINGTON, D.C. – As the outcry from religious groups intensified following the White House decision to sign its holiday cards “Have a Happy Holidays,” it would appear as though Bible-thumping levels across the nation are approaching near-deafening levels.Members of the Christian Right are promoting a period of “

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133963880512122492005-12-07T08:55:00.000-05:002005-12-07T11:23:32.083-05:00

Here we see the Christian cross givinga solid body blow to the Star of DavidWASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House entered the bloody, undeclared War on Christmas today when it sent out thousands of customary cards celebrating the holiday season.The cards lacked the usual “Merry Christmas” message from the First Family and instead had been replaced with the more controversial “Jesus Blows Shepherds’

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133883989173561242005-12-06T17:41:00.000-05:002006-01-24T13:30:16.486-05:00

NEW YORK CITY - For most people in the United States,  this time of year is a celebration of Christmas and New Year's.   The observance of the two adjacent holidays evolved into the traditional winter greeting,  "Happy Holidays",  which typically refers to both national holidays:  December 25th and January 1st. However,  the specter of Political Correctness has taken effect in some households

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133737206395343042005-12-04T17:43:00.000-05:002005-12-06T11:10:29.400-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - This week the President unveiled his plan for victory in Iraq. President Bush decided to draft the plan without any help from his administration. "Now people can see that I come up with ideas on my own," Bush was quoted as saying."I have ordered a elite Special Forces team to be formed," continued Bush, "This team's members will include Sgt. Slaughter, Rambo, Captain America,

Matt Steinsieknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133630552534538012005-12-03T12:18:00.000-05:002005-12-04T09:02:13.220-05:00

SINGAPORE - World historians observed an important landmark yesterday, as history's billionth heroin addict was strung out.Heroin addict Nguyen Ton Vann told reporters that he didn't want to just be remembered as a number - that people get strung out on heroin all the time.Vann later added that he was so high on heroin,  that it would be more accurate to say he was "strung up",  instead of "

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133624584263577282005-12-03T10:27:00.000-05:002005-12-03T11:06:31.330-05:00

Locked and loaded.THE INTERNET -- In a week that saw hard news blog The Benquirer assaulted on all sides by televangelists and religious right wing fanatics, it would appear things have only gotten worse for its staff after damning photos of one of its writers kicking defenseless puppies surfaced on the Internet today.In the photos, staff writer J B Cougar can be clearly seen standing in the

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133550607535617182005-12-02T13:40:00.000-05:002005-12-04T11:52:40.216-05:00

CINCINNATI, OH - Today one of the last bastions of free speech in the American media was assaulted by the Christian Right. The Benquirer became the target of a boycott led by a coalition of several religious groups. Reporting the hard facts has been deemed a sin.Televangelist Jerry Falwell was one of the first to denounce the fair and balanced reporting at The Benquirer. "Those heathen goons

Matt Steinsieknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133475038669983862005-12-01T16:22:00.000-05:002005-12-04T09:03:49.036-05:00

ANNAPOLIS, MD - Speaking at the US Naval Academy yesterday,  President Bush declared that the Plan for Victory that he unveiled to the Navy on an aircraft carrier exactly 31 months before,  had been fulfilled."Major combat operations in Iraq have ended,"  Bush said yesterday,  which was met with much hollering from the young naval cadets,  with some obvious relief.American troops were never seen

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133278942218689182005-11-29T10:36:00.000-05:002005-12-04T08:51:58.486-05:00

NEW YORK CITY– A small riot broke out on Wal-Mart’s web page yesterday as consumers wrestled for virtual merchandise on the "Cyber Monday" national online shopping day.There were initial reports of some cyber damage as several cyber carts jostled for space in line for some of the year’s hottest online merchandise. One unnamed consumer was rushed to a nearby hospital with severe carpal tunnel

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133277396073988542005-11-29T10:12:00.000-05:002005-12-04T08:50:18.150-05:00

SAN DIEGO,  CA - Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham (R) resigned from Congress yesterday after admitting that while he had accepted bribes as a congressman,  he still absolutely never burned any American flags. The Royal Duke of San Diego then claimed that Duchess Cunningham didn't think anything was amiss when he sold their million dollar mansion for almost twice its value to a Defense Contractor, 

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133196439743645912005-11-28T12:42:00.000-05:002005-12-04T08:47:25.473-05:00

LOS ANGELES - Michael Jackson's publicists and attorneys have gone on a PR offensive in the past week,  regarding anti-semitic remarks attributed to the pop star.   It all started last week, when one of Jackson's voicemail recordings was released in which he allegedly said,  "Jews are like leeches."Jackson attorney Brian Oxman, who is Jewish,  had a different take on the recorded message.   "You

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1133036797825886952005-11-26T15:08:00.000-05:002005-12-04T08:41:09.816-05:00

CINCINNATI, OH - Jean Schmidt caused a firestorm of controversy last week when she implied that representative John Murtha was a coward for calling for a withdrawl of US armed forces from Iraq. This week she has set her sights on an even larger target, Jesus Christ.Representative Schmidt issued a statement from her headquarters in the Cincinnati suburb of Kenwood. "This holiday season we must

Matt Steinsieknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1132785435756636652005-11-23T17:33:00.000-05:002005-12-04T08:39:29.653-05:00

These colors don't take shortcuts.. they only runWASHINGTON - In a hearing before Congress on Friday, Cincinnati marathon runner Jean Schmidt spoke out against shortcuts, and shortcut-takers. "Shortcuts are against the rules," said Schmidt, "Anyone who cuts and then runs to the finish line is a coward who needs to eat some Powerbars." Unbeknownst to Schmidt, one of the Congressmen present had

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1132784634474302852005-11-23T17:22:00.000-05:002005-12-04T08:36:59.683-05:00

WASHINGTON - Yesterday,  Attorney General Alberto Gonzales brought charges against Jose Padilla of Chicago,  the alleged 'dirty bomb' plotter.   These charges were completely unrelated to the original rationale for detaining Padilla,  which was apparently a miscalculation.After over three years of detention in a Navy brig,  held without charges,  Padilla can finally look forward to a trial - in

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1132684472019238262005-11-22T13:36:00.000-05:002005-12-04T08:35:21.556-05:00

XXXXX DRUDGE REPORT XXXXX - Some right-wing bloggers went into x-treme hysterics yesterday,  after the letter 'X' briefly appeared super-imposed on a CNN feed of Vice President Dick Cheney's speech."This is a diabolical plot by CNN to associate Dick Cheney with a letter of the alphabet,"  said right-wing pundit Matt Drudge,  "Ultra-liberal CNN is obviouly trying to subliminally smear Cheney as

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1132598584828770662005-11-21T13:38:00.000-05:002005-11-21T20:45:54.783-05:00

Diddy's legal woes could have something to do with this 2004 Election year flashback:November 3, 2004 - Thousands spontaneously perish following the closing of polls during U.S. Election.WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In what scientists and political pundits are calling a “freak political accident,” millions of 18- to 35-year-olds have mysteriously perished following the outcome of the 2004 U.S.

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1132560729906625922005-11-21T07:01:00.000-05:002005-11-23T12:58:16.960-05:00

Jean demonstrates properscissors-handling techniquesWASHINGTON - Speaking to a group of Marines departing for Iraq this weekend, Ohio Rep. Jean Schmidt (R) lectured them on the basics of proper scissors safety."Now after you finish doing your cutting, you should never run with the scissors," Schmidt told the Marines, "Only a coward cuts and runs."Some critics have accused Schmidt of being

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1132318967902469362005-11-18T19:26:00.000-05:002005-11-22T10:54:05.463-05:00

WASHINGTON -  The Federal Election Commission is investigating rap mogul Diddy for failing to deliver on his promise to kill non-voters after his insidious "Vote Or Die" campaign.The National Legal and Policy Center's complaint alleges that Diddy used an advertising campaign to promote voting and alternatively, threaten non-voters,  but he later failed to deliver on the promises as advertised, 

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1132240682050018692005-11-17T09:42:00.001-05:002005-11-18T20:10:34.333-05:00

WASHINGTON -  One of America's most famed investigative reporters,  Bob Woodward,  who helped uncover the Nixon Watergate scandal, passed up the opportunity for his biggest story since Watergate.   This week he admitted to having the opportunity for such a scoop,  but didn't want it to upstage his big Watergate breakthrough.Woodword downplayed the White House leak story's significance,  "A White

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1131977238995101152005-11-14T08:46:00.000-05:002005-11-15T15:05:06.976-05:00

VIRGINIA BEACH,  VA - Last week, on The 700 Club talk show,  host Pat Robertson called for the assassination of residents in Dover,  Pennsylvania after they voted out a school board that had favored teaching the theory of intelligent design,  the belief that aliens created humans.Since Robertson prefers the alien creationism theory to Darwin's theory of evolution,  and he wants to see that theory

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1131973226456194152005-11-14T07:55:00.000-05:002005-11-15T10:27:30.516-05:00

WARWICK TOWNSHIP, PA – Thousands of Hurricane Katrina survivors were asked to “sit tight” today by local authorities as resources were diverted northward to this small Pennsylvania community following reports that yet another white girl had gone missing.Via an executive order signed by President Bush at 1:13 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, all resources being used in the New Orleans and Mississippi

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1131741846833729582005-11-11T15:49:00.000-05:002005-11-21T08:52:39.546-05:00

WASHINGTON,  D.C.  - After spending over two months looking for a reliable dog-sitter,  former FEMA chief head was beside himself.  He still needed someone to watch Buttons every weekend while he and his wife Tamara went to their second home in Fort Lauderdale,  since Bethany McFredericks had gone away to college.Luckily for Brown,  the House panel to investigate Katrina failures had released

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1131645729282358022005-11-10T13:09:00.000-05:002005-11-15T10:20:33.736-05:00

Bush and Kilgore in happier timesRICHMOND,  VA - Yesterday,  Republican Jerry Kilgore told reporters that he isn't sure if this relationship is working out.   He has a good reason for concern.The day after President Bush visited him on election eve,  Kilgore was handed a devastating defeat by Virginia voters."I feel like he doesn't it for me anymore,"  sobbed Kilgore,  "I wonder if there's

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1131565607177499892005-11-09T14:23:00.000-05:002005-11-15T10:18:47.983-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby begins to face an indictment in court, his legal team has worked long and hard on a defense strategy. After reviewing the grand jury indictment, they found only one excuse that would work.Jennifer Quimby, a paralegal working for the defense team explained the simple stance. "Scooter can't remember all the things he does during his busy days at the

Matt Steinsieknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1131467587158030532005-11-08T11:31:00.000-05:002005-11-10T13:31:14.490-05:00

MONTEGO BAY, Jamaica – The makers of Red Stripe beer have endorsed Vice President Dick Cheney’s plan to torture detainees in U.S. military prisons.The decision did not come easily, Red Stripe executives said, but eventually was made following a visit from the vice president last week that reportedly involved threats to build 15 military bases and prisons throughout the tiny island nation.“With

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1131041263543262952005-11-03T13:56:00.000-05:002005-11-15T10:17:57.083-05:00

President Bush:  "No, Laura,  I'm not going to burn any sage with you"WASHINGTON - This morning when Laura Bush and her husband boarded Air Force One for Argentina, the First Lady may have surprised onlookers with her jet black hair, all-black clothing, purple lipstick, black fingernail polish, and pale complexion.The story of Laura Bush's transformation through the Goth world of dark clothing

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130955021027075032005-11-02T13:06:00.000-05:002005-11-15T10:17:06.853-05:00

AUSTIN,  TX - After Tom Delay's attorney,  Dick DeGuerin, requested that Judge Bob Perkins not preside at DeLay's trial because Perkins is a Democrat,  a hearing was held by Judge Bud Duncan to decide whether Perkins would stay or go. When it became apparent that Judge Duncan was also a Democrat,  DeGuerin requested yet another hearing to determine if Judge Duncan could hold a hearing over

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130771805430882172005-10-31T10:19:00.000-05:002005-11-15T10:14:25.303-05:00

WASHINGTON - Sandra Day O'Connor's seat on the Supreme Court was considered historic because it was the first held by a woman.  On Saturday, when Bush nominated Scooter Libby to O'Connor's seat,  he denied that he was practicing "tokenism" by nominating a white male justice. "Although Libby's appointment as only the 106th white male on the Supreme Court is indeed historic,  I did not look at

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130587213943269062005-10-29T16:31:00.000-04:002005-10-30T05:47:59.450-05:00

WASHINGTON  - This morning,  President Bush nominated former Cheney advisor I.  Lewis "Scooter" Libby to take Sandra Day O'Connor's seat on the Supreme Court.   Libby is an accomplished lawyer,  who has defended high-profile clients like conservative-darling Marc Rich. Bush was in a hurry to find another nominee for the High Court after Hariet Miers dropped out on Thursday.   He offered Libby

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130585468412484832005-10-29T07:10:00.000-04:002005-11-15T10:15:36.686-05:00

HOUSTON, TX - Former House Majority leader Tom DeLay,  currently under indictment on campaign finance violations, has sent a letter to supporters, written during his time as a jailbird,  which denounces the criminalization of criminals."Democrats talk about 'money laundering' like it's something dirty,"  wrote DeLay,  "They haven't been winning very many elections,  so they're criminalizing

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130522468761348642005-10-28T13:23:00.000-04:002005-10-30T06:03:31.156-05:00

WASHINGTON,  D.C.  - While Bush's closest advisor on matters foreign and domestic,  is God Himself,  Vice President Cheney takes his advice from a cherubic angel of the highest order,  Archangel Louis "Scooter" Libby. Was Archangel Scooter the little bird who leaked the name of an undercover CIA operative?    Today, a grand jury indicted him on five counts of lying about his role in the

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130442296801209142005-10-27T17:11:00.000-04:002005-12-13T18:31:05.216-05:00

HOUSTON,  TX - Although Tom DeLay spent very little time in jail for his money laundering indictment, it was more than enough time to rise to the top of the criminal underworld in America's penal system.   His rise to power was as abrupt as it was brutal.Within minutes of being booked,  DeLay had amassed a large fortune in cigarettes, which he used as a slush fund to gain control.  By the

Matt Steinsieknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130446376905203922005-10-27T16:19:00.001-04:002005-10-28T10:29:14.960-04:00

-- Kojak Johnson, Guest WriterWASHINGTON,  D.C.  - Harriet Miers withdrew herself from consideration for the Supreme Court today.   President Bush cited concerns that the Senate would force the release of papers from Miers'  service as Bush's legal aide.President Clinton supported Bush's position,  stating,  "I think thatsuch a release would limit the president's ability to get the best person

Guest Writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130434927690727882005-10-27T13:48:00.000-04:002005-10-28T11:49:24.003-04:00

WASHINGTON - After failing her Supreme Court multiple choice test,  Harriet Miers had to impress the Senate Judiciary Committee,  by passing a take-home essay test.   Miers stayed up all night working on the test,  which was due on Senator Specter's desk this morning,  at 9 A.M. sharp. At 5 A.M.,  and after 7 cups of strong coffee,  Miers still hadn't gotten past question #3,  "Since you

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130426204841558922005-10-27T11:22:00.000-04:002005-10-28T10:24:08.466-04:00

KEY WEST, Fla. - A lack of access to fast food restaurants and open liquor stores caused Florida residents to blame the government for another slow emergency response to a hurricane today, even as FEMA trucks laden with food, water and ice arrived just 48 hours after the disaster.Norm Feigenbaum, a Key West resident for more than 30 years, had decided to wait out the storm in his beachfront, $1.2

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130334575475296252005-10-26T11:17:00.000-04:002005-10-26T20:36:39.573-04:00

BURNSVILLE,   VA - Insurance adjuster Gerald Fitzpatrick doesn't know what you're selling,  but he isn't buying it.   Recently,  Fitzpatrick has been bombarded with phone calls from some persistent busybodies."These people keep calling,  asking me about some claimants I ain't never heard of,"  said Fitzpatrick,  "A lot of them are asking about a Joey Wilson,  and this Judy Miller,  and some

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130178794522954392005-10-24T14:47:00.000-04:002005-10-24T17:11:08.916-04:00

‘No, this is not a headline from The Onion,’ exec saysLOS ANGELES – The McDonald’s chain of fast food restaurants is getting a makeover this month as it tries to capitalize on the “good health, good eating” craze that has gripped no fewer than 10% of the American population.Behind a wave of low-calorie, low-fat alternatives like its bottled water and [several food items to be named later], the

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130164811499760522005-10-24T10:37:00.000-04:002005-10-24T17:05:40.286-04:00

Said the renegade wolf: "A boy can only cry my name so many times before I beat his ass."WASHINGTON, D.C. – A wolf was detained within the grounds of the White House today, but not before the animal had managed to get within 90 feet of the President.The President had been speaking to the press about a new nationwide terror alert in the Rose Garden at the time of the incident.The President and

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1130163523093803462005-10-24T10:32:00.000-04:002005-10-24T17:02:27.066-04:00

SIMI VALLEY,  CA -  President Bush spoke at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library on Friday,  in an effort to re-embolden conservatives who need re-emboldening.In his remarks,  Bush compared the Iran-Contra scandal that had stained Reagan's second term,  with the That-Guy-Can't-Contradict-Us scandal in which the Bush administration exposed a covert CIA operation.In drawing this connection,  Bush

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1129922236284931102005-10-21T14:53:00.000-04:002005-10-22T17:02:52.616-04:00

*Writer's note: This article is an experiment in fake news. It has been slightly modified from a real news story to fit today's news. Check the link to see how it works. This is also the work of lazy writer on a Friday afternoon who simply wanted to get something posted before the weekend. Enjoy.WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A rat that was released in the capital has outsmarted scientists and evaded traps,

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1129829120723580992005-10-20T13:14:00.000-04:002005-10-26T12:30:37.763-04:00

WASHINGTON,  D.C.  - After getting an F+ on her first fill-in-the-blank test in Supreme Court 101,  nominee Harriet Meiers told the Senate Judiciary Committe that she deserved the chance to retake it,  as a multiple choice test. One key question that Meiers had missed was  "Chief Justice______ voted with the majority in the Roe vs. Wade ruling."   Her one word answer,  "Warren",  was marked

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1129732121573302502005-10-19T11:46:00.000-04:002005-10-20T17:26:40.653-04:00

WASHINGTON,  D.C.  - Samantha,  the American Girl doll who was recently appointed by President Bush to head the Department of Playtime Management,  is coming under fire by conservative critics for her unclear views on abortion. Although she hasn't written anything that expresses her abortional philosophy,  yesterday Samantha was seen wearing a Girls Inc wristband.  Girls Inc is the girls' group

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1129651145809657302005-10-18T12:51:00.000-04:002005-10-18T17:57:27.310-04:00

NEWPORT,  KY - Hoping to beat the odds in Wednesday night's Powerball lottery drawing with a record jackpot of $340 million,  former baseball star Pete Rose bought over 146 million lottery tickets at a Newport BP station on Monday night.   Although he didn't have much money in savings,  Rose took out a $150 million loan Monday morning,  using his stake in the Cincinnati Reds as collateral.Rose

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1129601060680421862005-10-17T22:03:00.000-04:002005-10-17T22:05:48.403-04:00

A cluster of aspens turns yellow, while a nearby cluster stays greenWASHINGTON,  D.C.  - In a letter to New York Times reporter Judith Miller,  Vice President Cheney's Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby wrote that,  "Out west, the aspens will already be turning.   They turn in clusters,  because their roots connect them."   This paragraph was a reference to his previous disagreement with

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1129515218320955992005-10-16T22:13:00.000-04:002005-10-17T09:30:08.220-04:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Immediately following the New York Times mega-piece on formerly imprisoned Times reporter Judith Miller, a small unnamed North American fowl was indicted by federal authorities for its role in the Valerie Plame CIA leak case.While the age and sex of the bird was not released, it was confirmed by sources close to the investigation that the bird is an avian water fowl, possibly

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1129300489833107392005-10-14T16:57:00.000-04:002005-10-16T11:47:01.813-04:00

WASHINGTON,  D.C.  - A televised conversation between President Bush and the Care Bears from the 42nd In-Fun-tree in Iraq may have been scripted,  say critics.  A videotape showed the Care Bears being prepped for the nationally telecast chat.   Democratic leaders claimed that the White House was trying to prevent the Care Bears from asking any hardball questions.Upon hearing news of the

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1129207678728847892005-10-13T09:45:00.000-04:002005-10-13T15:45:20.653-04:00

Apple Computer CEO Steve Jobs shows"Brazen Beach Bunnies 8"   on the iPornSAN JOSE,  CA - After revolutionizing the way people listen to music with the popular iPod,  Apple Computer is trying to do the same thing for porn.   The new iPorn is a portable handheld porn viewer,  with the same interface and sound quality as the popular iPod,  but featuring a video screen for active adults who keep

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1129130611242431332005-10-12T11:43:00.000-04:002005-10-13T11:08:53.153-04:00

Schwarzenegger Terminates Testicle-ShrinkersKALEEFORNIA  - Governor Schwarzenegger signed the Bigger Testicles for California bill into law last week.   Political analysts say that the Governor is maturing into a politician who has learned from his past mistakes and shriveled-up testicles."California's high school teens cannot use these dangerous steroids,"  said Schwarzenegger at a Reform and

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1128957491090437542005-10-10T11:14:00.000-04:002005-10-10T11:53:07.953-04:00

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan – Officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency accidentally arrived in Pakistan this weekend right when one of the most violent earthquakes on record hit.  While the people affected by this natural disaster were grateful for the supplies, FEMA leaders were quick to point out that their presence in Pakistan was actually an unfortunate accident.Indeed, the appearance

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1128953050611763562005-10-10T10:23:00.000-04:002005-10-21T08:35:18.966-04:00

WASHINGTON,  D.C.  - Last Thursday,  the Bureau of Alcohol,  Tobacco and Firearms  (ATF) head Charles Truscott resigned in disgrace,  citing his superb credentials as the key factor that had hindered his performance.   On Friday,  President Bush recommended that the Department of Justice select his daughter, Jenna Bush, to replace Truscott.   Bush said he wanted to buck the current cronyism trend

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1128700322816874052005-10-07T11:58:00.000-04:002005-10-07T18:04:48.760-04:00

Experts say that this photograph proves that litmus paper existsWASHINGTON,  D.C.  - Litmus paper is often a touchy subject,  and in Washington,  a topic for heated debate,  especially in Congress.   Many key Republicans refer to litmus paper as "mythical",  placing litmus paper in the same category as other popular myths like global warming,  evolution,  and a spherical Earth.President Bush is

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1128600113076707722005-10-06T07:59:00.000-04:002005-10-06T15:08:44.896-04:00

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Pop star actress Jessica Simpson and unemployed boy band singer Nick Lachey called it quits today after two years of marriage.  Both stars’ publicists denied any and all rumors about the impending divorce, but insiders close to the pair, including their gardener and an unnamed celebrity who Simpson was shagging, claimed the marriage had been dead for almost a year.One family

Jacknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1128533487937949792005-10-05T13:39:00.000-04:002005-10-06T15:51:00.610-04:00

WASHINGTON,  D.C. - In the wake of the Hurricane Katrina catastrophe,  President Bush is faltering in the polls as new concerns arise over national preparedness for a disaster or epidemic.  Democrats in Congress have criticized Bush over the lack of antiviral shots available to the population,  in case of a bird flu outbreak.Today,  Bush defended his record on bird flew shots,  and insisted he

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1128461952413433792005-10-04T17:21:00.000-04:002005-10-06T07:06:10.776-04:00

FUJIAN PROVINCE, CHINA - This Sunday,  southeast China was slammed by Typhoon Longwang.   On Monday,  there were further reports that the storm was thrusting inland.According to Xinhua News Agency,  over fifty soldiers have been swept away by floodwaters spurting from the enormous and virile storm. There was an earthquake around the same time as the storm hit Taiwan.   "The ground jiggled like

Matt Steinsieknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1128452367901559362005-10-04T15:35:00.000-04:002005-10-06T07:11:19.790-04:00

WASHINGTON,  D.C.  - The President's nomination of Harriet Miers,  his lawyer and best friend in the whole wide world,  to the highest court in the land,  has furrowed many brows along the political plane.The widespread distaste for such an under-qualified candidate could unify many liberals and conservatives in this country.   President Bush was thinking of a more romantic kind of unity when he

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1128351957061214182005-10-03T11:58:00.000-04:002005-10-03T11:50:11.433-04:00

WASHINGTON,  D.C.  - President Bush has nominated the in-house Judge at the White House,  Judge Harriet Miers to replace Sandra Day O'Connor at the Supreme Court.   Miers was coincidentally the same judge who judged which judge Bush would nominate.   As Congress decides whether to confirm Miers,  they will carefully examine some of her controversial rulings as seen on the White House's own

Burt Safernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8870607.post-1128345623843935502005-10-03T09:12:00.000-04:002005-10-03T19:03:32.310-04:00

Artist's rendition of the barren wasteland that is SCOTUS nominiee Miers' sexualityWASHINGTON, D.C. -- President George W. Bush has nominated White House counsel Harriet Miers to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, but her lack of any experience on the bench is not the bit of news that has gripped the Beltway in controversy this morning.Miers, it would seem, also lacks

Jacknoreply@blogger.com